Crack'd Seed
by Knightowl 4183
Summary: A number of zany drabbles based on Gundam Seed and Gundam Seed Destiny.
1. Chapter 1

**Crack'd Seed**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Seed**

**Chapter 1: Why Ullen Hibiki Shouldn't Have Played Video Games**

"I'm sorry..." Lowe Guele spoke sadly as he closed Kira's eyes.

"RESPAWN!" Exclaimed a computerized voice just as Kira split into what looked like...twinkling lights.

"!" Screamed the high pitched voice of a young man seconds before he hit the ground butt naked.

"Danger Hit Points Critical!" Exclaimed the same computerized voice as Kira started flashing red multiple times.

"I wonder?" Lowe muttered as he bit chewed on his lip for a second before peering around to see if their were any witnesses, seeing no one he tossed a very small piece of trashed metal from the Strike on Kira.

"!" Kira screamed as he hit the ground at high speeds.

With a ear splitting thud the now relatively intact Strike landed on Kira's sorry body ending his life again.

"-" Kira shouted before it happened again with another brand new Strike landing on him.

"!" Kira shouted again before another Strike nearly landed on him but rebounded off a cliff, oddly he fell in a batch of poisonous mushrooms which caused him to flash green for a couple seconds but he lived.

"I should probably call the others to pick you guys up..." Lowe mused completely ignoring the kid that seemed to have an auto repair function.

**Sometime Later:**

"Sorry for being late but here's a gift to make up for it!" Said Lowe as he smiled nervously at Reverend Malchio, what he was holding was a grieviously injured Kira Yamato he revived with a chicken feather while laying senseless on the ground was another Kira Yamato. "Don't worry, neither of these guys can die! So you can sacrifice them for whatever Pagan rite you practice!"

"Dammit Lowe," Shouted an irate female voice from an ear piece he had hanging from his shirt pocket. "he's a man of god, not some kind of Voodoo Priest!"

"Er...how about a slightly too old boy to moles-oh you already have one of tho-oooooohhhhh!" Lowe exclaimed as Reverend Malchio kneed him square in the balls. "I thought you were supposed to be a man of peace! Ouch!"

"That idiot..." Kisato stated while smacking her head into the console in front of her.

**Just After the Final Battle of the First Bloody Valentine**

"What the hell can we even salvage from thi-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!" Shouted one of the officers on the Nelson class ship as a naked man landed ass first on his helmet after hitting a couple of consoles, the fact that he appeared literally from a flash of light bothered many who saw it. "Oh dear god I wasn't wearing my helmet and his balls landed in my mouth!"

"Hey that's Mu La Flaga!" Stated one of the bridge techs. "Dear god, he's sexually assaulting Lieutenant Roanoke!"

"Actually I think Lt. Roanoke died when you dropped La Flaga back on him," The Captain of the ship stated with a sigh before breaking out his contraband whiskey. "so either we tell command we recovered a traitor and one of our officers choked on his dick or we hide the officers body and just tell them that Roanoke was injured badly..."

"Since I doubt anyone wants to give mouth to mouth after what was just in there I suggest going with plan b..." One of the junior officers stated with a measure of confidence.

"Motion carried..." The pilot of the ship stated firmly. "Roanoke was a sissy anyways, besides he cheated at cards and counted other men's women..."

"Actually he was cheating on his girlfriend with your wife and fleecing you at gambling by counting cards..." One of the bridge techs spoke up helpfully.

"I think I should make sure if the victim is dead..." The pilot stated as he moved over to Roanoke's corpse and dragged it out of the bridge by the foot, it was decided later on not to mention Roanoke's terrified and pained screams less than five minutes later.

But then that's what happens when you assume someone's choked to death on another guys cock instead of passing out from brief lack of oxygen.

Naturally the new Roanoke was actually better liked even if he had been a traitor to the cause, though not even his superiors knew that he was actually Mu La Flaga, mainly since they couldn't care enough to check his files or credentials.

**Operation Angel Down:**

"Nooooooooooooo!" Kira screamed in what he thought was a manly way after realizing that the touchpad with up,down, left, and right was out of order. Thereby denying him god mode, with no choice he touched the fuzzy yellow star hanging from his control stick. At least a couple minutes of invulnerability would get him through this battle, right?

"Son of a-" Kira shouted as Shinn skewered him like Ahab always wanted to do to Moby Dick, but with infinitely more success.

"Hey that touch pad I stole from the Freedom actually worked!" Shouted Petty Officer Romero Pal exclaimed gleefully. "We actually survived a Positron Cannon shot!"

"Now if we could only figure out what went wrong with that cheat code you stupidly entered..." Arnold Neuman responded to his crewmates glee while eyeing Captain Ramius who was oblivious to the fact that she wasn't acting like she used to as was most of the rest of the crew and Cagalli herself, but then they were in the affected room when Petty Officer Pal was dicking around with Ullen Hibiki's old touch pad.

**Authors Notes: This is what you get from debating things on forums, as you can tell some crazy stuff can be born.**


	2. The Day of Infamy

Crack'd Seed

Disclaimer: Any and all series or characters in this fic do **not** belong to me, they belong to their creators and owners. I make no money at all with this fic or its contents.

Chapter 2: The Day of Infamy

"I wonder why that lot was chosen rather than our best pilots?" The Captain of the ship asked in a musing tone, oblivious to the embarrassed look on the Hawk of Endymion's face.

"Because they had too much self respect..." One of the bridge crew murmured even as another laughed quietly at the dig.

"I assure you I don't have any idea..." Mu replied with great effort at not letting the pity on his face show, it was hard enough facing the future pilots who glared at him everytime he cleared his throat, and in point of fact they were walking like it was their funeral they were going to.

**Vesalius, First Three G-Weapons captured.**

"Ah ha ha ha ha hah!" Laughed the mechanic assigned to check out the first of the captured G-Weapons. "I can't breathe!"

"I didn't know you swung that way Elsman!" Shouted another mechanic as he let loose a bunch of catcalls.

"Drop dead!" Roared Yzak Joule as he gathered his tattered dignity and stalked away from the dainty feminine form of the Duel, the recessed cockpit hatch located between what were unmistakably breasts.

"God hates me..." Dearka muttered as he stared at his new Mobile Suit, he could swear that the slim feminine MS was mocking him in its graceful curves that let no doubt that it was a Mobile Suit based on the feminine form.

"At least its graceful..." Nicol stated in a somewhat upbeat tone.

"Stay the fuck away from me Amalfi!" Yzak responded with a hateful glare.

"No offense but I am not taking a shower in the same room as you, communal head or not..." Dearka spoke up while hurrying out of the room.

"I was just saying that they would make a good subject for a painting!" Nicol called out to the two freaked out pilots.

"I ain't going to accuse him of being a queer," One of the mechanics muttered. "that Motoko girl he's sleeping with would tear my balls off and shove them where the sun don't shine..."

"Its scary that the most artsy and sissy pilot I have ever seen gets a stunning girl like her," One of the security personnel stated. "not that I would try and get with a girl who scared that one Spetsnaz into crying for his mommy within fifteen minutes of her interrogating him..."

"What do you want to bet the Major is going to have some words with them once this gets back to her?"

"That's a sucker bet if I ever heard one..."

**Back in Heliopolis, Morgenroate Hangar:**

"What a good friend you have," The Zaft Green Coat muttered as he stared after their retreating comrades. "he actually tried to warn us about...this."

"Too bad he was too hopped up on pain medication..." Athrun muttered from inside the Mobile Suit Carrier where they were taking cover from the female mechanic valiantly defending the two female Mobile Suits that neither Zaft man wanted anything to do with, unfortunately their objective and job was to acquire said Mobile Suits no matter the risk or how much ridicule they would get for piloting them.

"We'll go on-urk!" The Green Coat's statement ended with a gurgle as a round from the machine gun impacted with a chain holding up a piece of pipe that swung loose and knocked out the Green Coat.

"Are you alrigh-" Athrun started to say as he put a hand on the Green Coat's chest to try and shake him awake, he had only a second to register the feeling of soft flesh along with bindings before he got kicked between the legs.

"P...er...vert..." Slurred the semi-conscious girl at the feel of him feeling her bound breasts.

"Why..." Athrun squeeked out, now aware of the metal shin guards his fellow pilot uses under her space suit along with the hard knee pad. "I don't believe in god, but I feel that for this I will make an...exception. Why do you hate me!"

"Okay, now how to get both of these out of here?" Murrue Ramius muttered to herself while slightly wincing about how quickly she was abandoned when the idea of piloting one of these G-weapons came up, but at least they left their guns behind for her to defend them with. Another point in her favor was that now she only had to deal with one maybe two Zaft commandoes.

"Are you alright?" Asked the young man who was currently depending on her to get them out of here, but then she was wounded in the shoulder before the Zaft commandoes got a peek at what they were trying to steal.

"Raaagh!" Shouted the wild eyed Zaft Commando in a red spacesuit as he charged her with a knife, she was almost certain the kid had tears in his eyes, but unfortunately she was out of ammo and didn't have her knife.

"Nooo!" The civilian kid shouted as he threw himself in front of her.

"Kira?" The Zaft commando stated with a measure of shock, which put a slight damper in Murrue's relief that the commando had stopped charging.

"Athrun?" "Kira" replied with shock in his voice. "But you said you were against this war!"

"Dammit!" Murrue hissed as she managed to grab a nearby pistol, praying it had bullets in it.

"Shit!" Athrun hissed as he retreated under gunfire right back to the unconscious harpy that nearly kicked his balls into his stomach and even worse he was the only one able to pilot...it.

"Get in!" Murrue shouted as she clicked the hatch release for the Strike and shoved the boy in, judging by their shock at seeing each other Murrue went with her gut that the kid wasn't Zaft or at least she hoped he wasn't.

"Miguel!" Athrun shouted as he jumped next to Miguel's Ginn in his...lightish red G-Weapon.

"Uh, Athrun..." Miguel ventured since he was aware of what Deunan's real voice sounded like, and the sultry voice coming over his radio wasn't it, which left by process of elimination Athrun. "When did you get a sex change?"

"Don't start with me," Athrun snarled in an angry tone that was conveyed through a sultry feminine voice. "this damn machine seems to be made to embarass any man piloting it, what with not only its shape but this damn voice changer built into its radio!"

"Not to mention that it's pink..." Miguel replied in a deadpan tone to hide his snickers.

"Dammit!" Athrun howled angrily as he fell into a deep rant.

**Telling the Council**

"Is this some kind of sick joke..." Patrick Zala stated loud enough for the Council to hear, his pale pallor conveying not only his shock but his anger.

"I told you we needed to use the doctored plans," Rau replied calmly as he shook his head at the design showed by the Hologram. "but you kept insisting that these had to be a joke and the doctored plans were the real ones... Its your own fault that your embarrassing your son like this..."

"Who the hell would design mobile suits like that!" Ezalia Joule shouted in shock and outrage at the model looks of the female Gundams.

"Apparently a miscommunication conveyed to the designers that they wanted suits that were formidable and...inspiring for morale purposes." Rau replied calmly. "The mistake they made was putting a sexually frustrated man with little contact with women in charge of the design and telling him to keep the suits lithe and not to bulky, and it could also be the fact they gave him carte blanch to do what he wanted..."

"Why?" Ezalia asked with a trace of disgust in her voice.

"Cause apparently he not only managed to make the systems more compact he also made them more energy efficient," Rau replied with a look of contempt on his face. "but then apparently he was really motivated not to make an...bull dyke suit I believe he called it..."

"I see..." Ezalia replied with disgust, it figures that the measure of advancements that went into this suit was fueled more by male hormones than anything else.

"This would be the Buster's...breast missiles..." Athrun stated in a listless tone that conveyed just how much he suffered piloting his...mobile suit.

Naturally many of the female council members threatened a painful death to the designer, soon after joined by the Male Council members when the system to hide male pilots was explained. The fact that the spacesuit included with it included false breasts and a voice modifier for when the pilot has to exit the mobile suit, it was no wonder that the designer was deemed a twisted pervert of the highest caliber.

Meanwhile in a quiet lab a black haired japanese man sneezes, his hair flaring out wildly.

"Dad, what is this I'm hearing about perverted Mobile Suits!" Mitsuki Sanada shouted out loud.

"Actually I designed them exactly as specified!" Ken Sanada shouted up the stairs so his beloved daughter could hear him. "They wanted highly advanced, lithe, and inspiring Mobile Suits and I delivered, I even gave them the bust that Admiral demanded..."

"He didn't want them to be Busty dad," She shouted back at him in exasperation. "he said that if you continued embracing his aide that he would bust **your **face in!"

"Well how was I supposed to know that!" Ken demanded. "Besides his aide was instrumental to me figuring out the problems involved with a better power generator, and besides I sent that nice boy a gift to make up for having to strap him to so many chairs to conduct my tests!"

"Your tests kept changing him to a woman!" Mitsuki shouted back in exasperation.

"But I figured out how to create a better battery pack!" He replied with a mad scientist laugh.

**Author's Notes: **Yes Ken Sanada is from Dual Parallel Trouble Adventure, and yes he is borderline freaky what with him multiple times embracing the main male character and rubbing their cheeks together... He also fitted the main character with a pilot suit that made him look like a woman when worn and even sound like one with realistic feeling breasts that both played with until the female UN officer slapped him upside the head.

The Zaft female Green Coat was indeed Deunan from Appleseed.


End file.
